Being me…

… is the last thing I ever wanted to. Living in a complex family with a complex situation. Acting normally when actually I’ve problems with my emotions. Being friendly, talked to everybody, befriended everyone, when the truth is that sometimes, it makes me look like a fool.

I was not born as a friendly person. I have a fair share of my problems. Once, I was a quiet person. Living in my own world. Talked only when I need to. But being that person had trapped me once. There was a time when I almost become nobody. Befriended with the wrong people whom, without my own common sense to change, might led me to live a totally different life.

But I changed. I managed to. But I changed too much. When I talked, I talked too much. It makes me look like a fool, sounds like a clown, acts like a stupid moron. When I spoke, I spoke as if what I am saying is the best. And when I kept quiet, people start asking as if it is something that is totally unbelievable of me. Sometimes, I need my own space. But people won’t let me to. It is strange when someone like me suddenly become quiet. Everyone expects me to talk. They enjoy it when I talked. Why? Because I sound like a clown.

There are also times when I misunderstood people. And people misunderstood me. It caused disaster. My life, my emotion is not a straight line. I have my ups and downs. But sometimes, the ups and downs are just too much. The graph changed swiftly. And I can’t cope with the change.

Some think I am strange. Some think I am okay. Some think I am friendly. But no matter what they think, not all people can actually understands my feelings. What I actually felt when I smiled. What I actually thought when I laughed. What I actually meant when I kept quiet. I am glad that I have bestfriends and close friends who understood me well.

But is it the time for me to change? Less talk? Less stupidity?

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